Today I lost someone to the most unforgiving thing: time. It cares not if you’re ready. Offer your entire life, and it will not think twice. There is no bargaining, it will never be on your side. Against you always, never even offering hope. You must accept it, or falter. And usually, it’s the latter.
As I sit here and dwell on it. Drinking a beer, wishing it would save me. I wonder if I can get past this. Although I’ve been here before, I promised myself I never would again. I would not get attached to people, as you will inevitably lose them; to both life and death.
I wonder if tomorrow it will be this painful. As the story goes, I’m certain it will. But will I be able to breathe? Or will every breath I take still feel shallow and uninvited? That, I cannot be so sure of. That I can only pray to the god I don’t believe in – that I will be able to survive the day. Going through the motions, staying strong enough to ignore the tears. Do not let them come, in fear that again they will not stop.
I also wonder if I can even make it through the night. Currently I’m surrounded by strangers, whom laugh and can distract me from the darkness. But what happens when I’m alone? Will I break in silence? Let it consume me and threaten to defeat me? Lay my head down in my pillow, as silent tears roll down my cheeks. Hoping more than ever that my dreams will bring me peace. Perhaps even a nightmare would be better than this.
And lastly, I wonder what will be of this in 6 months. Will I move on? Will I wake up in the morning and only remember when I’m reminded? Or will this, for eternity, be something that weighs heavy on my heart?
From past experiences, I’m not someone who “let’s go.” Thank goodness I’m resilient, because I think of a hundred things a day that threaten to drive me mad. All of the past, because the word “forget” isn’t really in my vocabulary. I, in term, “mate for life.” If you’re loved by me. Both because of the type of soul I have and because I’m a writer – you will never die. You’re made immortal and although it’s beautiful, it surely takes a toll.
With that said, do I stand a chance? Will this burden on my chest actually take my life? If you could die from a heartbreak, that will, I know, be the cause of my eventual death. Because when I love, that’s how I love. With my entire being. There’s poetry in that, but there is no hope. But would I return this part of me?
Logically, I know I wouldn’t. But in this emotional state, I would give it all away for a moment of fresh air. Let me breathe and you can take my whole heart. I don’t want it right now.
As I still sit here, I heard a man behind me – he was on the phone with his partner and he said “Honey, I lost a friend today. A really good friend.” And I wanted to turn around, I wanted to tell him I understand. That I, myself, lost someone very dear to me today. But I couldn’t. Would I be of any use? What positive words could I come up with? “It will be okay?” How hypocritical any positive word that came out of my mouth would be. I can’t swear him that. If I cannot even swear it to it myself. So I sit here in silence, hoping that this perfect stranger, will also be okay. I guess I’m not in this alone. Time is no friend to anyone.