What could have been

That’s always the worst, “what could have been.” Especially when you add “We almost had it.” Like we were so close, it wasn’t suppose to end like this – It COULD have been great… but we didn’t quite make it. That’s one way you can define heartache. But one positive thing comes out of it, heartache and heartbreak make for great art of any kind.

I believe in fairytales (because I’m naive like that.) I think that’s my greatest downfall. That will, perhaps, be my final demise. Because with that comes some devastating heartbreak; which people have died from – google it.

So often do I fool myself into believing I found it. It’s masochistic really, but it’s who I am. In real life, you’d never know it, but I’m built on a foundation of love. I find little else more appealing. But maybe it’s not meant for me, what a tragedy that would be.

Just recently, I (again) thought I found a piece of my fairytale. Because a fairytale isn’t built by one person, but we know I’m all about multiple loves. How could I not; this heart of mine loves too often, too much and too deeply. Anyways, I thought this girl was the real deal. She wasn’t going to leave me, not this one. But let me tell you, you can leave a person and still remain in their lives. That I think, is quite cruel. Making for, I’m sure, a future blog post.

I tried my best not to, but it was hard to not believe her. With those genuine eyes and many promises. That she was different. That she wanted me as much as I wanted her. I needed this, this was to be part of my story. And it is, just not in the way I had hoped for.

I’d like to think that this was her loss. I had so much love to give her, such adoration and devotion. As long as I stood by her, she would never have been alone. I’m not easy to care for, but when I’m in it – goodness am I in it. All of me, forever and always. Until the very end of time. I’m so harsh on myself, but I do know that I’m worth it. All the fights I start, how easily I get mad. I will push you away and probably tell you to leave me a thousand times. Test your patience in a way it’s never been tested, push all of your buttons. Buttons you probably didn’t even know you had. AND I require a lot of attention. Loving me is fucking war. But I assure you, I’m worth the fight. I’ll love you in a way that nobody has ever loved you. That, I promise.

But is it her loss? Maybe she just loved the idea of me. The real me, the intense me, wasn’t worth the battle. Not to her, anyways. And she made that quite clear. Little by little, to where I noticed – but I held on because it didn’t feel like the end. Having me thinking that it will get better, she is just busy right now. It won’t always be like this.

They do say, if they can go a day without talking to you – they probably aren’t that interested. But I trusted her, so I ignored my better judgement. Again, this was just for the moment. Someday soon, she would be present and I would again exist in her world. Because she said she really wanted this and she said all kinds of sweet words. Words that made my heart sing, and my soul happy.

This beautiful human loves me, like really loves me. She said so, so that must make it true? But actions, my friends. That’s what you should trust. My mind, however, doesn’t work like that. I believe what I hear, what an idiotic thing to do.

So that’s where I’m at, STILL holding onto her words. With the truth RIGHT in front of me. It’s so obvious, so why can’t I accept it? Accept it and move on, apparently she isn’t part of my fairytale. No matter how much I want her to be.

Another tragedy, one I am completely alone in. Because I’m the one writing out of heartbreak, and she’s off living her life – completely content without me.

We would never be a fairytale, but we could have been. We really fucking could have been.

One thought on “What could have been

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