I’m back to my favorite place: The Heights. Where I go when big decisions must be made. Usually ones that I know will ultimately leave a scar. In reality, I’m here a little too often. “Follow your heart” is mostly bullshit. Because when I do, it leads me here. Every. Single. Time. Maybe it’s my fault – perhaps I am the destroyer of all good things that come my way; or maybe I’m just doomed by bad luck. I mean, I am the common denominator. If all things end the same way by me, that has to mean something. Insanity, the expectation of different outcomes by repetition of the same decisions. I am, by definition, absolutely insane. I’m twenty three, is it too late to change? Fuck, I really hope not.

And why is it always regarding ‘love?’ Why must my life be created by love, and love alone? I wonder how people live on the surface. Taking things as what they are, no deeper meaning. To have basic thoughts and find peace in a simple moment. Simplicity, I laugh at that word. I’ve never achieved it, nor have I ever understood it. Why cannot I look at a butterfly and SIMPLY find it beautiful? Not wonder its destination, if it yet knows at all. Lose my curiosity, believe that some things just are. Not all things have meaning, right? Hell, I’ll never be capable of believing that.

Right now, I’m living on my phone. (Not just because I’m blogging.) Waiting on text messages that won’t come. Love that won’t be returned. Feelings that will never be reciprocated. If I just… no… if you just nothing… you can’t make people feel what they don’t. I know this, so why try so hard? Especially when they do not care.

But guess what? I won’t listen to reason. Remember, I’m insane.

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