My sweetest secret was a pretty, little, brown eyed woman. This secret kept me lonely, and at times it was suffocating. The biggest piece of my heart left hidden. It was as if nobody knew me anymore. It wasn’t an option to do anything except keep my soul isolated from everyone except for her.
That being said, you’d think that when I was finally able to tell my secret that I’d feel a great amount of relief. That it would be like stepping outside after a year of being locked in a box. That fresh breath, the feeling of freedom…. Yet, it is the complete opposite. I feel an excessive amount of loneliness, and more so every time I say her name. Not out of pain, but because I realize what this secret left me with. Nobody could ever see the loss because they never saw anything at all.
I can talk about us until my voice is lost. I can read our story, and tell of the shambles you left me in. I can hope that someone understands the loss, how empty I was when we parted ways. That I had to relearn how to get through my day. As for so long my day was you. From the moment we woke up to the moment we fell asleep. If we weren’t together, it’d be texts and calls. I never needed someone to understand me so much in my life. The person I thought I’d marry, is gone forever. The person I loved so unconditionally and who claimed to be so in love with me, perhaps never really loved me at all – but nobody would ever understand. Not because of lack of trying or because they’ve never been through it, but because they never knew us. Nobody did.
They never saw the way we looked at each other or the way we looked for each other in every room. Whether your smiles were ever genuine, I will never know – but the smiles I saw. The ones I believed. Nobody ever noticed, they didn’t know to pay attention. They never heard how sweetly we would talk to each other. With what seemed to be full of such care and adoration. The way we danced around each other and never walked away without a kiss. They never knew us as a couple – and once they found out, it was curiosity and shock. If it wasn’t after we were over, it was when we almost were.
Even worse is the doubt, or the disbelief. As if it’s even something to debate. We weren’t frail, we were (at least she made me believe so) epic. All of the love and all of the pain that was endured. All the chaos and broken pieces that cut so deep. Everything it took to survive you, all the cruel words I had to inhale and exhale so you’d stay to say more. Every moment with you cuddled up next to me, and everything we planned… without you here… some days it feels like you never existed. As if you were someone I met in a dream, but you never walked this earth. Because how could something so important be questioned?
Always, always, always in hindsight … I’d have kept you a secret forever. You’d eventually disappear in my mind and be lost. And oh, darling, what I would do for you to be lost. Not a whisper behind my back that people know, but do not ask; or the relentless questions that I can never be free from.
My, oh, my – secrets can kill.